One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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