I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
