help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
