Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
