when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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