No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
