I'm jealous of your bromance
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
