There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
