Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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