All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
