i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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