I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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