Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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