we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I need help removing her.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
