Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
