I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
