6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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