I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Randomize
