If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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