if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
