he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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