You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
