I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
