we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
