Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
