I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
