hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
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