He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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