No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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