Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
