Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
