a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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