Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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