I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
