She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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