If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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