So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
