you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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