did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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