Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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