I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
