Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We just shotgunned beers for America
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
