last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
