i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
