I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
