Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
