Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
