I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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