Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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