He uses pillows to masturbate.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
