totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I currently don't understand fingers.
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